Are we dancer?

Debating what I should share and what I shouldn't . . . it's always scary to reveal what will more than likely be misunderstood. Basically this year sucks. I never use the word "sucks" but am thinking about painting a giant canvas featuring the word. I hate that I'm not sharing gumdrops and rainbows but . . . this year sucks. I know I have much to be thankful for and I am humbled at what we've been blessed with but . . . man, I want to come up for air. There's a line in the movie "While You Were Sleeping" where the dad says something like "and just for a minute, everything is okay". I have shared that here before, but it's so true.

As many of you know, I am still coming to terms with losing my dad last February and what I went through in his dying process. I am finally turning a corner on that I think but I still struggle to grasp the fact that he is gone and struggle to wrap my mind around the experience of helping him die. It was such a profoundly sad experience. Then there has been other normal life and work stresses to deal with.

It now appears my 18 year old son is suffering from an anxiety/panic attack disorder. I have had 3 episodes of ongoing and miserable anxiety in my life but none for a few years. I know how scary and agonizing it is and my heart is so heavy watching my son go through it. It is very hard to explain to someone that's never suffered from it, but it leaves you with an overwhelming sense of doom and fear and you can't explain what exactly you're afraid of. It's as if someone split your brain in two and your normal logic still works in one half and the other half is certain something bad is happening or about to happen and that you should be protecting yourself - it actually creates all of the physical symptoms of "fight or flight" with adrenaline rushes and pounding heart and muscle tension, etc. It can bring your life to a screeching halt. It paralyzes you. He really had his first bout with it when my dad died but I was so overwhelmed with my own self pity and segregated myself from everyone, I didn't realize what was happening. This bout was much much worse. He is under the care of a good doctor and we are treating it and we are seeing improvement, but it has been all consuming the last two weeks. My son, who has Asperger's Syndrome, has overcome so much in his life - besides Asperger's, he's had two very rare and very serious health problems as a child. He just absolutely has had more to deal with than most adults have ever had to deal with and at this life transition of starting college, I just so wanted to believe he had made it, was on his way, had nothing to hold him back. I believe down to my toes, that he will lick this too . . . it just takes time and a lot of work and a lot of support and patience from family and friends. In some ways, it is redefining me as a mother and person yet again and causing me to shore up and set a good example of how not to worry (and worry is my middle name). I just feel helpless and helpless is always frustrating. I believe in the power of prayer and hope you won't mind including my family once again in your own meditations and good thoughts.

I've been hanging out with my son most of the last two weeks. Have worked on collage sheets and have a lot done - just tweaking now. I did finally get two little pieces made last night and this morning. I was thinking of the song Human by The Killers - it asks "are we human or are we dancer?" I think it was Susan of Broken Heart Art that first introduced the song to me. It inspired both of these pieces. It's about being on stage and performing vs. being real and human. I was thinking of it because of what my family is going through right now and how it affects everything we do and yet the first impulse is to keep it private - put on a costume and pretend to the world that everything is peachy. You know me, always sharing too much information . . . my life is what it is and I can't hide it.

On My Sleeve


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 9/2/2010. All rights reserved.

4 x 8 hand cut mixed media skinny collage. Image credits: lotus flowers from Itkupilli.etsy.com; jacket, scarf, gloves from Sherrie JD's Body Farm at Deviantscrap.com; head, torso, heart, pants, fish, wings, all background pieces are from my own stash: texture from flypaper textures. Face and a few other pieces were hand tinted but most coloring was done in Photoshop prior to hand cutting.



Queen Dear


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 9/2/2010. All rights reserved.

4 x 8 hand cut skinny mixed media collage. Image credits: face and legs from Sherrie JD's Body Farm at Deviantscrap.com; background is made from 5 different flypaper textures; little bottom border piece cemerony.etsy.com; body, wings, crown from my own stash. Face and body were hand tinted with ink and pastel.