May 1, 2009

Beauty . . .

My friend, Kim of Queen of Arts had a very real (and lovely because of that realness) post on wanting to feel beautiful. I so related to that post. I have always felt ugly, my whole life. I am very masculine with my long face and big nose. I look exactly like my dad. In fact, I have been places and had complete strangers come up to me and ask if I was his daughter because I look just like him.

I had long hair for many years thinking it made me look more feminine, but kids at school told me I looked like a witch (seriously). I have very thick curly hair and it just makes my face look longer when it's long. So, I cut my hair several years ago when we cut my daughter's when she had lice so bad we couldn't get rid of it. I haven't had the courage to go through the ugly phases of growing out hair again. Now, very often at drive through windows and other places where a clerk might just glance at you, I get called Sir.

One thing I always had, though, was a slender figure and a nice flat tummy and real hips with a small waist just above, little boobs but good enough for what they're needed for. I am almost 5' 9" and have short legs that used to be gorgeous despite their shortness (my height is in my long torso). Key words here being HAD. Since I quit working I have sat all day working on art. I used to be on my feet all day, walking to classrooms, and lifting books and putting them away (doing about hundred deep knee bends everyday). I walked miles and miles in an 8 hour day. This week I had to have my husband cut one of my rings off my finger. I only wore two. My wedding band, which thankfully came off but is still too tight to wear right now, and a diamond ring that was my mother's. That ring was given to me 13 years ago when we buried my mom and I had not taken it off since. I've probably gained 25-30 lbs in those 13 years, 20 of them in the last 6 months. My once gorgeous muscular toned legs are full of cellulite and thundering about. My flat tummy is getting a gut. I was shocked last night when I was in bed laying on my side, as I usually do, and felt my stomach as it hung down to the mattress. It used to stay where it's supposed to, not hang down. So, I've been feeling ugly, especially since the ring thing. That really hit me hard and embarrassed me. My husband has gained a lot of weight too over the last year and I've been giving him encouragement to start working out as he seems so tired and I worry about his health. He is an apple on toothpicks which they say puts the most stress on your heart. I am a pear which is safer but not any prettier. I know part of why I feel so un-pretty is because I don't feel good. I eat horribly and need to get some exercise, need to move around. So, even if it takes time away from art, I am going to get myself together here and take care of me and maybe that will help hubby take care of him too.

In the meantime, Kim shared this cool little video that did make me feel a bit better tonight. You'll need to turn my playlist off or you will have conflicting music as you watch.

9 comments:

Pherenike said...

Marsha, you're too hard on yourself, I saw your picture just a few posts ago and you look lovely; sparkly eyes and a beautiful real smile. Take that video to heart.

My daily work routine has changed in the last couple of years and I too spend longer siting around rather than moving about. Not good for the fitness, I keep planning to shake up my exercise regime, but havent really yet. Hope I get some motivation from you!

Lumilyon said...

Marsha, thank you for giving my day such a great start, reading your words and watching that wonderful little video. We are, indeed, too hard on ourselves and i for one am going to be that little bit kinder to myself today x

yoborobo said...

Marsha, dear dear Marsha... take heart in knowing that when I first saw your photo in your blog I said to myself (and I am NOT fibbing I SWEAR) "Oh, I wish I could look like her."
You look so healthy and fit, with gorgeous hair and a wonderful smile.

We artist/writer types do sit for long periods of time - and our bodies do want to turn into jello for some strange reason - so just know I am fighting the good fight with you, and I think you are absolutely STUNNING. :)

Judy C said...

Marsha, would that I had some of your problems. I am short waisted, about 100 lb overweight. Not only stomach goes to the mattress when I lay down. Please start moving now. Don't wait. I have back problems that limit my movement so the loss of weight will be doubly hard. And always remember, the real you is inside. Let it out.

aliceinparis said...

Marsha, I think you are vibrant and beautiful!! All of us of a "certain" age start to get that pot belly and soften up around the edges. It is a reminder to get off the chair and boogie! I am trying to do 1/2 hour of mini rebounding (trampoline)everyday in front of the TV and I am really enjoying it. Next up is getting back into my walking routine and strength training. I used to go to the gym 3x a week but was sick last Sept and got out of the habit. Habit is what it has to be. A daily event like flossing our teeth. Not particularly fun (although it can be)but necessary:)
I do know that when I am eating correctly and exercising I feel SO MUCH BETTER:)
Thanks for this post. A reminder to work a bit harder at loving ourselves and doing what is truly best for us.

Hayley Egan said...

You can't hide, Marsha... we've all seen the photos! You are a beautiful lady.

di from di-did-it said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes, Marsha. I admire your openness & honesty. I too miss my flat tummy and need to work harder to get it back. We all want to live long & healthy lives and we must do our parts to make that happen (nutrition & activity choices).

Cheering you on in all you do!
Di

somethingtwocrowabout said...

When I first saw your picture of you I thought to myself what a beautiful lady you are! Your smile radiates and your eyes tell the world you are full of love and have a zest for life! Each mark we receive as women tell a piece of a story of our lives...with each cute little dimple, every stretch mark is the very thing that makes us who we are! I have a road map on my belly each stretch mark reminds me of how I was blessed with 5 beautiful children and would be sad if those marks disappeared. I laugh about those marks and say.."Well, if I should ever get lost at least I have a map"! hee hee Embrace you, celebrate you! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL my friend! xoxo

Heartinmyhand said...

Oh honey,I know where you are coming from. I have put on so much weight and have abandoned my workout routine. Everyday I say today is the day. I like to blame menopause for it but the reality is I never met a cookie I didn't like. I also saw your pic and thought you look beautiful. I love your hair and wish I was liberated enough to not color the gray. I have a sister in law who is perfect in her appearance,she has not gained a pound over the years. But she is the ugliest person I have ever met. She is mean spirited and unhappy. I will take wrinkles,muffin top and saggy parts any day. Your kind and generous soul is beautiful