Beauty . . .

My friend, Kim of Queen of Arts had a very real (and lovely because of that realness) post on wanting to feel beautiful. I so related to that post. I have always felt ugly, my whole life. I am very masculine with my long face and big nose. I look exactly like my dad. In fact, I have been places and had complete strangers come up to me and ask if I was his daughter because I look just like him.

I had long hair for many years thinking it made me look more feminine, but kids at school told me I looked like a witch (seriously). I have very thick curly hair and it just makes my face look longer when it's long. So, I cut my hair several years ago when we cut my daughter's when she had lice so bad we couldn't get rid of it. I haven't had the courage to go through the ugly phases of growing out hair again. Now, very often at drive through windows and other places where a clerk might just glance at you, I get called Sir.

One thing I always had, though, was a slender figure and a nice flat tummy and real hips with a small waist just above, little boobs but good enough for what they're needed for. I am almost 5' 9" and have short legs that used to be gorgeous despite their shortness (my height is in my long torso). Key words here being HAD. Since I quit working I have sat all day working on art. I used to be on my feet all day, walking to classrooms, and lifting books and putting them away (doing about hundred deep knee bends everyday). I walked miles and miles in an 8 hour day. This week I had to have my husband cut one of my rings off my finger. I only wore two. My wedding band, which thankfully came off but is still too tight to wear right now, and a diamond ring that was my mother's. That ring was given to me 13 years ago when we buried my mom and I had not taken it off since. I've probably gained 25-30 lbs in those 13 years, 20 of them in the last 6 months. My once gorgeous muscular toned legs are full of cellulite and thundering about. My flat tummy is getting a gut. I was shocked last night when I was in bed laying on my side, as I usually do, and felt my stomach as it hung down to the mattress. It used to stay where it's supposed to, not hang down. So, I've been feeling ugly, especially since the ring thing. That really hit me hard and embarrassed me. My husband has gained a lot of weight too over the last year and I've been giving him encouragement to start working out as he seems so tired and I worry about his health. He is an apple on toothpicks which they say puts the most stress on your heart. I am a pear which is safer but not any prettier. I know part of why I feel so un-pretty is because I don't feel good. I eat horribly and need to get some exercise, need to move around. So, even if it takes time away from art, I am going to get myself together here and take care of me and maybe that will help hubby take care of him too.

In the meantime, Kim shared this cool little video that did make me feel a bit better tonight. You'll need to turn my playlist off or you will have conflicting music as you watch.