Jan 31, 2010

Such a hard thing

I am still here. It feels like I have been gone forever though. I don't even know what to write. Everything is so up and down and upside down sometimes and so heavy and intense and just consumes every fiber of your body and mind - I know many of you know what I mean. We came home from the hospital Thursday. We had two very good days, yesterday and the day before, but lost ground last night. It was a long night of confusion and hallucinations again. No one here now but my dad's wife, a 24 hour nurse aid, and me. Kent was here from Thursday to this morning but needed to get back to work and the kids. He helped immensely as I had hit my wall after about 3 straight days and nights I stayed with my dad in the hospital before we came home - very little sleep or nerves left. Hospice is coming today for an extra visit to assess and see if there is something that can help the hallucinations and restlessness - he hardly took any pain meds yesterday and hadn't had hallucinations since last Tuesday when he was taking alot more pain medicine in the days between. I fear yesterday's activities may have been that surge of energy that often comes a few days before the end, but then I also fear it wasn't. It is hard to know what to wish for anymore. Yesterday, everyone had good talks with dad about all kinds of things, trivial and not, emotional and not. He even asked for some ham salad to be made and ate a bit of that - very comfortable day, very fresh and clear. And then about 9 last night he started having confusing weird hallucinations. At one point in the night my dad wanted me to check on everyone else in the house because people from another country had been here and had taken all of our money and groceries - that kind of weird and numerous episodes through the night.

So, I am sorry my blog has taken such a turn away from art and happy things, but I guess it is part of my journey. I will try to be better about posting now that we're home. Hope some of you from some of the groups I belong to can update the message boards for me. I just can't seem to hit a stride that allows me to focus on anything but dad for more than a few minutes here and there. love you all and miss you so much.
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29 comments:

lilylovekin said...

Marsha, all I can say is that I understand and do what you need to do. much love and know that I am thinking of you. Lorrie

Suzan Buckner said...

I don't know what to say Marsha, I am so sorry that this is all happening. We are here for you, and I will keep you all in my prayers. Love. suzan

Kathy-Catnip Studio said...

Marsha, You are where you should be, and doing what should be done. We only get one chance to make the right choice, and you will look back on this time someday and be very grateful that you were there.

Hayley Egan said...

It's very good for you to be writing this all out here. You are so strong. X

Lorraine @ creativedaily said...

Thoughts are with you Marsha!

Jamie said...

Marsha you are doing so well. I know that it is such a comfort for your Father to have you there looking after him. I am sending good thoughts and prayers daily to you and yours. Love, Jamie

Stephanie said...

Much love.

Tace said...

Marsha, I'm so sorry about the heartache and stress you're facing with your father. I am hoping for easier, comfortable nights for him and you.
Hugs

justagirl said...

I can't imagine how hard it all must be... I am so sorry you are going through all this and my thoughts are with you.
x

Jill said...

Blogland can wait until you are ready, meanwhile we are all with you, willing you on

Linda Cain said...

This is all so hard, and my heart breaks for you. Take you time..your friends will wait for you. I promise.

Linda

Diva Kreszl said...

so sorry that you are going through this difficult time right now, I shall be holding you and your family in my prayers!

TheresainMS said...

Marsha, as ever, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Try to emotionally nourish yourself in some way through this ordeal. Hope your dad soon has some clear and pain-free time filled with good remembrances.

Hugs,
Theresa in MS

Laura Haviland said...

Thinking of you Marsha and wish things could be different. I know you wish this was all a bad dream and can I wake up now.
Really miss your art but it is always there for you.
Take care of you.
It is so good to talk about things on your mind.
We all think your an awesome artist and daughter.
Hugs, Laura. xoxx

Patti said...

Hi:
I am a long time follower of your blog and admire your work tremendously. I have been reading your posts and my heart aches for you; these days must be grueling and painful and exhausting, yet you stay because, well, that's what you do. I admire you for sharing your experience and I hope it has brought you immense support. At this age (don't know how old you are but my dad is 78) we begin losing our elders, such a frightening proposition yet we want what is best for them, their comfort, quality of life more than quantity. I hope that art will be the one thing, the therapy that will get you through it all.
kindest regards, patti

gaby braun said...

Marsha, I'm very sorry that all this is happening to you. But life is not always happy. I hope the best for you and your dad. God bless you!

Shannon said...

Oh Marsha, after reading your last two posts my heart is very heavy. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine. I try mentally to prepare myself for the day that my Mom or Dad will have only a short time left but it's hard. You might ask "why prepare yourse;f for that?" But I just don't want to be so caught off guard that I'm an absolute mess. As children I don't think we can always imagine our parents going or getting so weak that they can no longer take care of themselves. I am personally such an emotional and very family oriented person that I just don't want to be down right suicidal when it does happen. And I don't mean that literally, I just know it will be a hard journey just like it is obviously for you right now.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. When your by yourself too and no one else is around to help, that tends to make things that much harder. I think sometimes people deal with these situations in different ways and one of them may be to just keep working hard at your job and pretending that it's not as bad as it really is. Just enjoy whatever time you have left with your Father as much as you can and focus on all the good times.

As far as your posts and your beautiful artwork, I agree with everyone else. It's your blog first off and you can do what you want. If you need to get this out and type down what your feeling, then do it. If you're not able to work on your art right now, we all understand that and you ca get back to it when you are able to. One of the things I love most about this blogging community is that everyone is so supportive of each other; in their artwork and in their lives. We are for you as much as we can be Marsha. Hang in there honey and God Bless you.

sharon said...

Praying .

Michele said...

Marsha,

I just read your blog updates, and I'm so so sorry for all you are going through. My heart goes out to you and your family at this tough time. I hope that in the weeks to come (or even sooner!) things become easier for you. Hang in there, you are a very strong and brave person.

Chrisy said...

So sad that you're going through this Marsha. Please take care of yourself dear girl. I hope there is soon peace for you all. Love...

Leslie said...

Love to you, Marsha, and know that I'm thinking of you.

Kim Mailhot said...

Love, prayers, many deep breaths and some gentle rocking humming for you, Lovely Marsha...

Terri Kahrs said...

You're in my mind and heart. Many prayers are being said. May the angels surround you with love, light and strength. . . . Blessings & Hugs, Terri xoxo

NancyB said...

Sending love, many prayers and hugs! Thank you for keeping us posted...Keep hanging in there girl! xoxo

Joy said...

I agree with Hayley - it's very good to write things out and put them in order here on your blog, or in a handwritten journal. Lots of people love you!!

yoborobo said...

Marsha - we all understand that this is exactly what you need to do right now. It's so hard, but you are being such a great daughter. You are exactly what your Dad needs. Big hugs to you, my friend. Hang tough! xoxoxoxoxoxox Pam

Outstanding Stranger said...

I am so glad you get to be there with your Dad during his last days. Tho it is difficult, you will be glad you could be there to comfort him. Love and hugs. Diane

barefootchef said...

My dear friend Marsha, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you the strength you need to get through this. You are a wonderful woman and your father is extraordinarily lucky to have you there by his side.

Love and big (((((HUGS)))))),
--Cathy

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.