I am still here. It feels like I have been gone forever though. I don't even know what to write. Everything is so up and down and upside down sometimes and so heavy and intense and just consumes every fiber of your body and mind - I know many of you know what I mean. We came home from the hospital Thursday. We had two very good days, yesterday and the day before, but lost ground last night. It was a long night of confusion and hallucinations again. No one here now but my dad's wife, a 24 hour nurse aid, and me. Kent was here from Thursday to this morning but needed to get back to work and the kids. He helped immensely as I had hit my wall after about 3 straight days and nights I stayed with my dad in the hospital before we came home - very little sleep or nerves left. Hospice is coming today for an extra visit to assess and see if there is something that can help the hallucinations and restlessness - he hardly took any pain meds yesterday and hadn't had hallucinations since last Tuesday when he was taking alot more pain medicine in the days between. I fear yesterday's activities may have been that surge of energy that often comes a few days before the end, but then I also fear it wasn't. It is hard to know what to wish for anymore. Yesterday, everyone had good talks with dad about all kinds of things, trivial and not, emotional and not. He even asked for some ham salad to be made and ate a bit of that - very comfortable day, very fresh and clear. And then about 9 last night he started having confusing weird hallucinations. At one point in the night my dad wanted me to check on everyone else in the house because people from another country had been here and had taken all of our money and groceries - that kind of weird and numerous episodes through the night.
So, I am sorry my blog has taken such a turn away from art and happy things, but I guess it is part of my journey. I will try to be better about posting now that we're home. Hope some of you from some of the groups I belong to can update the message boards for me. I just can't seem to hit a stride that allows me to focus on anything but dad for more than a few minutes here and there. love you all and miss you so much.