Feb 1, 2010

And harder still . . .

Starting last night around 10 my dad seemed to slip into a world all of his own. I have not slept since yesterday afternoon when I took a nap near him. He is no longer in his right mind and is belligerent and very difficult and saying mean things. He tries to get out of bed and obviously we don't want that. He hasn't been on his feet in nearly 3 weeks. As I write this, two nurses are trying to bathe him and change sheets and he is being so mean to them. They are trying an anti-psychotic med today to see if it will help - we'll know later today. If it doesn't, we may try one other thing and then we are going to insist on sedation if that doesn't work. Sedation is usually a last resort as some people believe it speeds up the process of dying but he is suffering beyond any possible pain he could have. He can't seem to fall asleep (he hasn't slept more than 20 minutes or so in the last 14 hours) and has lost touch with our world. I am asking everyone to pray that this is all over soon. Enough is enough. I thank you for your love and prayers and support.

30 comments:

Amy Wallis said...

Sweet Marsha,
Know that we are praying this ends soon. As many has shared with you, I too lost my father in a similar way you are now experiencing with yours. As painful as it is right now, love is deeper still. Hard to see right now but when the pain releases, life passes, and eventually what remains will fill you with love and fondness for the man who is your father. I pray for strength and endurance to finish your caregiving. I pray for your entire family as you walk to the end of the road with your dad.
Hugs-Amy- Your Friend in Texas

Jaime Haney aka ArtsyFartsy.Me said...

I'm thinking happier thoughts your way and special mid day prayers are in as of right now! Hang in there, God will give you all rest.

Kathy McCullen said...

Marsha,
I don't think I have the word sto express what's in my heart for you. In fact, I don't even think there are words. So I'm just praying for you all, praying that he will be at peace soon, and he will, Marsha. I lost my father to leukemia 6 years ago, and it was the saddest thing I've ever experienced. Now, I remember nothing but our good times and how proud I was of him. The pain gets better, whether you can believe that now or not. You will be strong, and maybe,afterwards, you won't be so strong, but that's okay. That's the way it's supposed to be. You will always have the love you shared. I'm thinking of you.

Love,
Kathy

Lori Saul said...

Hi Marsha, I thought I would swing by and see what's up and I'm so sorry about your Dad . My mother is in her last days as well with cancer and it is indeed a roller coaster of emotions. My thoughts go out to you and your family a this time . Please take care,
Lori Saul

lilylovekin said...

It sounds like your father has gone to a place where no one else can follow. I hope that hospice can find a way to make this next leg of the journey peaceful for him and for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lorrie

TxScrapAddict said...

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

NANCY LEFKO said...

my prayers are with you....

and what Kathy McCullen wrote is so true.

Hang on....I'm thinking of you too.

aliceinparis said...

Marsha, I feel for you........... The same thing happened with my dad. He lost his mind, became psychotic and it was very scary. Almost harder to deal with emotionally than the other stuff. So sick and yet belligerent and full of strength from where I don't know.He did not know who we were at times. I think it is the morphine that can affect some people like that. Dad was sent to the hospital at that point and sedated which gave him the peace that he could not achieve.I stayed by his side for the next ten days until the end. So sad.... I feel for you.....xoxox

yoborobo said...

Marsha, I am praying that this ends soon for your Dad. These days are so hard, when he is not himself, but you are being so brave and caring. You are the daughter we all want at the end of our days. Much love to you, my friend. xoxoxox Pam

Kathy said...

Oh, Marsha. I understand just how hard this is for you. Remember as you've known him and loved him. Sending healing prayers your way.

Hugs - Kathy

Diva Kreszl said...

Sweet Marsha, so sad to hear how things are going with your dad. I pray that the Lord will take him and relieve his suffering soon. It is so difficult to makes these decisions on care and still try to provide oyur dad with some dignity in his final hours. Continuing to hold you both in my prayers!

Caity said...

Much love and hugs to you. It's so damn hard. Praying for a peaceful resolution for you.

di from di-did-it said...

praying, and sending love

Dylan said...

You don't know me, I am a lurker on your blog, but I so feel for you. 8 years today I lost my Dad. He too had been ill for ages and also slipped into his own little world. I am in tears listening to you describe what he is enduring. I pray the rosary that you all soon find peace in head and hearts. May the lord be with you.xx

vintagesusie said...

Dear Marsha,
What a sweet yet incredibly strong woman you are!!! Your journey helps remind us that we are capable of so much more then we could ever possibly imagine when it's done in the context of 'LOVE'. You are your Father's 'Angel'!
Hugs & prayers,
Susie

Tace said...

Thinking of you. Praying for your father.
Hugs

Silke said...

Just to say I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and heart. Love, Silke

Jackie said...

Hi, I am new to your blog. Love your artwork. I will pray for you and your dad. I have cared for both an aunt and my mother-in=law up until their deaths. It is so very difficult. It is all part of the cycle...interestingly, my aunt (to whom I was very close) came to me at the moment she died. It was 3am and I was asleep-she was miles away in a hospice...
I felt better after hearing what Tasha Tudor said, in her mid 90's at the time, when asked if she was fearful of death "Not at all" she said, "I think it is the next big adventure!" None of knows what happens after we or a loved one dies, perhaps it is the "next big adventure."

Ronnie said...

Dar Marsha,
I heard about your dad from Suzan Buckner. I've been there. It can't get much more difficult, but writing about it is so very important.
Please don't forget to take care of yourself. Let others help.
Prayers are with you.

barefootchef said...

My dear Marsha,
It breaks my heart to hear what you are going through right now. I know this is difficult for you to bear, watching someone you love so much so tormented. I'll be praying for peace to come your way.

(((((HUGS)))))
--Cathy

merryheart2 said...

hi. i'm new to your blog. i found you via Marit's blog. i just wanted to tell you that i will be praying for you and your family.

Shelly said...

Miss Marsha,
My heart simply breaks for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through and how tough it is. My dad and I are two peas in a pod as they say, so it tears me up to know that you are losing your dad. I don't really pray, but I'm sending a special plea out into the heavens to ask for peace for you and your father. And if that fails, at least some good drugs...maybe for both of you. :)Try to take care of yourself as best you can. Hugs and Love,
Shelly

Marit said...

Words seem poor now... thinking of you and your family Marsha!!!

Janny said...

Thinking at you, it must be so hard. Take care, big Hug x

sharon said...

Still praying Marsha.

Anita Van Hal said...

oh sweet thing, my heart just aches for you! I know it's difficult; we've been through this twice, with my husband's parents...thankfully his mother was much easier, and slept most of the time, but his father got very belligerent and it was totally not his nature...we just kept telling ourselves it was not him, and just treasured the good moments...prayers are still going up for you and your family! Hugs!

Linda Crispell said...

I have been keeping you and your Father in my thoughts. I wish I could help.
Your Pal,
Linda

Brenda Grace said...

My heart aches for you, my soul prays for you and my emotions weep for you. Please know that you are doing all that you can and it is so much more than any one can really ever bare truthfully. Be as kind to yourself as you are to your father in days to come and do not be afraid to reach out, it will make a difference. Bxxx

Judith said...

Dear Marsha,
I don't know you, but I do know what it is like to sit for days with a parent and watch the person you love disappear. I am so sorry for your pain. Despite that, you will always be grateful that you walked beside him as his path ends. Blessings.

roc said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers.