Feb 5, 2010

Dad passed away

First, I tried to post Wednesday, but it wouldn't let me sign in without a google account. The login page said blogspot had switched from yahoo to google. I was going to sign up for the google account tonight and finally get this done, but tonight I didn't need to. If anyone knows anything about that google account thing, I'd be curious to know.

Well, I have no words to say this eloquently but I was alone with my dad Wednesday morning when he drew his last breath. It had been a horrible couple of days prior to that and yet I still feel no relief, or very little. We brought dad home from the hospital last Thursday and we moved him into the spare room where I could sleep in the twin bed next to his hospital bed. The first couple of days went pretty well. In fact, dad had an unusually good day on Saturday, very clear, very talkative and comfortable. But when I went to bed and gave dad his night time pills Sunday night, I realized he was slipping out of his right mind into a world I could not see or hear. I did not sleep at all Sunday night nor did he. He was very active and delusional but somewhat gentle and dreamy about it until Monday morning. As Monday went on he became belligerent and never was able to sleep more than a few minutes. He would be frustrated when we couldn't hand him the things he saw that weren't really there. He begged me to take him home and couldn't believe that that is where he was. After nearly 20 hours of that, I asked Hospice if he could be sedated so that he could sleep. We began that process Monday night and continued to give him medicine for that every 90 minutes right up until he passed away. Monday night and Tuesday, his breathing continued to worsen and he developed the "rattle" that is often associated with one's last few days or hours. Throughout the early morning hours of Wednesday, I thought his breathing was weaker and his chest congestion worse. Still, I had no idea we were that close. I had been up with him from 2 a.m. Wednesday to 8:30 or so and took a break and went back in to be with him around 11 a.m. It was not long until his breathing just gradually slowed down and stopped and his heart stopped a few minutes later. I did not speak to him or touch him as I did not want to keep a hold of him in this world or disrupt the process. I just wanted him to slip away without interfering.

As soon as one can catch their breath a minute after such an incredible experience (incredible but not in the good sense) the next phase of this experience begins and immediately you are thrust into making arrangements and making phone calls and moving out medical equipment and supplies and getting ready for visitors and there just doesn't seem to be any rest yet. My family will be here tomorrow. Most of my dad's wife's family will be here by then too. Neva, dad's wife, and I made the funeral arrangements ourselves yesterday and I ordered all of the flowers. Food and visitors are showing up at the door throughout the day and final touches are always needing to be made for the visitation Sunday afternoon and the service on Monday morning.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your prayers and good wishes. They saw me through this. I will be here about another week to settle things before returning home.
Photobucket

52 comments:

Jaime Haney aka ArtsyFartsy.Me said...

Marsha, there are no words to bring comfort I'm afraid. Just know that you are being thought of and prayed for during this difficult whirlwind time of your life. I know exactly what you are going through and tears fall from my eyes as I read and write this. I am so very sorry for your loss and wish you all the comfort and love from God that I know he is just waiting to give you. Time will fly by and at times also feel like it stands still. What a blessing you were able to be there for your father for his last breath. No regrets. You will see each other again, I believe that. But it still hurts and I know that, too.

Take care my friend and do what you need to do to work through this. ~Jaime

Tace said...

Oh Marsha, I'm so sorry about your loss. But I'm glad your father can be at peace now and past the difficult transition time you've described.
Thinking of you.
Hugs to you and your family and Neva.

Linda Cain said...

So sorry for your loss, Marsha, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

~Linda

Jamie said...

Oh Honey. I am so sorry for this news. And I am so so glad that you were there for him. What a special gift you gave your Father. Please try to rest at least some and know that you have been in my thoughts constantly. Love, Jamie

Evidence of an Artistic Life said...

My prayers and condolences to you and your family. I was there not long ago-I hope you are at peace and that you will be able to take a bit of time for you just to catch up with your own emotions and rest.

lilylovekin said...

Marsha, I am sorry to hear about your father but am glad his suffering is over. My heart goes out to you, his wife, and your family. Take care of yourself during this difficult time. all my love Lorrie

Kathy-Catnip Studio said...

I have no words that won't echo those before me, but when this new phase is over, and you're looking back on the time since your father's death, it will seem like a long time though only a few weeks or months may have passed (at least this was how it was for me with my sister). I wish you and your family my deepest condolences.

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Marsha I am so very sorry to read this post about your dad. My heart goes out to you honey. Take care
Maggie

BumbleVee said...

sending a hug...it's all I can do....

I went through the same thing February 8, 1998 with Mom and it is like yesterday when I read this....

xxx Vee

Kim Mailhot said...

Oh, dear Marsha, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I am glad that you were with him as he made the final journey from his body into spirit though. I am sending you and your family prayers and love.

Joan - Nichols and Co. said...

Dear Marsha,
I have walked the path you have just been down. My heart and thoughts are with you and your family. I so wish I had the words to console and comfort you. Please know you are not alone! You were a blessing to your father at his greatest time of need - remember it with honor! Be patient and loving to yourself over these next few months. The kindness you show yourself now is truly a beautiful gift. Take time to remember, time to cry and the laughter will find its way back to you. May God bless you now and always.
Namaste,
Joan

Shannon said...

Marsha,

I was so very sorry to read about your Father's passing. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I'm glad for you that you had a chance to share his last moments on earth with him, and it sounds like once he started to rest and after they medicated him, he passed away without pain or aggravation. As a daughter too, I just can't begin to imagine that day that will come to all of us. I hope that once the "business of being buried" is over and you can finally catch your breath, I hope that you have time to reflect on your Father and all you did with him as a child and as an adult. I hope that you are able to focus on all the good memories, all the good times and all that he gave to you as a person to carry through your life. I feel so bad for you and all that you are going through right now. Your post made me cry for you and the pain of losing a Father. I'll say a prayer for you and I hope that your personal strength can get you through this very hard time. You take care of yourself!

TheresainMS said...

Marsha, my prayers are with you and your family. I hope you can 'feel' the love coming from all of us here who treasure you and wish we had magic words. My thoughts are with you often and more so as you face the next few days. Hugs, Theresa

Outstanding Stranger said...

well Marsha, this part of your journey is over and slowly the healing will begin. When I think of the people without faith in the Lord and a better place I feel sad for them. I know your faith will be with you and comfort you through the rest of this....Love and Hugs, Diane

Audrey said...

So sorry for your loss and take care!

Chrisy said...

Dear Marsha, What a nightmare you've been through. I'm so sorry you've had to go throught this. Be kind to yourself dear...let others look after you.

thekathrynwheel said...

Thinking of you Marsha and sending a big virtual *hug* You've been through an incredibly difficult time but in years to come I think you will take great comfort from the fact that you were there for your Dad at the end.
Kate x

bockel24 said...

The activity following now may be a help for you all - that´s what it was for me when my father died, there has been SO much to do. And when it´s all done, it´s time for the relief to come, and it´s much easier then though it takes years to really cope with the situation. All my best for you and yours.

justagirl said...

I am thinking of you and your family...
xxx

Jill said...

Thinking of you

Gail Burton said...

Take care of yourself Marsha, and know that my prayers are with you. I shall light a candle today for your dad, God bless...

Gail xx

Marit said...

All is said in the above comments... thinking of you and your family Marsha. Big hug! Marit

Danny said...

Marsha,
Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for the loss you have experienced. Take care. Danny

NANCY LEFKO said...

Marsha, please know that I am sending along love and prayers to see you through. Your reminiscence was far too familiar to me....so I will share with you some words that helped me. "For you it is Autumn, but for your father, it is Spring." As you work your way through the next few days, weeks and months, remember to lean on your family and take strength from the love that surrounds you.

Tam, I am said...

I am so sorry for your losee.

bluegiraffe said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there. I wish you strength, peace, love, and the solace of good memories.

yoborobo said...

Oh, Marsha - I am so sorry. I was with my stepdad when he died, and your post brought back those memories, and the surreal quality life takes on for a few more days. Hang in there, my friend. You did good. Sending you love & hugs - xoxoxox Pam

Terri Kahrs said...

Marsha,I'm so very sorry for your loss. My Dad's been gone for many years, but your sorrowful, eloquent words reopened my heart with longing. Take comfort in knowing that he's at peace and with your Mom. You've been a good daughter, and there's till more to go. Take care of YOU and rest when you can. My heart and prayers are with you and your beautiful family. Hugs, Blessings & Love, Terri xoxox

Elizabeth Golden said...

Well that was a heartbreak post to read this morning. I am so sorry for your loss. I just can not imagine. What a wonderful daughter you are. What a lucky man. And although I did not know your father, the way you have handled everything makes me think he was a wonderful man. Do all the things you have to do, then take a little time for yourself. My prayers go out to you and your during this difficult time...

Hanne said...

I am so sorry about your loss.
Hugs from Hanne

NancyB said...

So sorry for your loss dear friend...Sending you many big hugs and prayers. My thoughts are with you! Love you!

Julia said...

Marsha , I wish you all the strength for the coming time ! Hugs Julia

karenm said...

So sorry for your loss.

PetraB said...

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts and my heart go out to you and your family.
Take care. Petra. xx

Tracey@glitterbugstudios said...

Much love to you and your family, Marsha. Tracey

kitty said...

I am so sorry Marsha for the pain and loss you are feeling. My family cared for my beloved Aunt Kathy as she passed on nearly 7 yrs. ago (seems like yesterday). While this was the most difficult time of my mother's life to hold her sister's hand and then let her go, she swears it was also one of the greatest honors of her life. I hope in time, you will know what a blessing you brought to your father AND to yourself in being there at the end/beginning....

Lisa Gatz said...

Marsha, I am so sorry to hear that your father passed away. I can't imagine what it's like because I haven't been there yet. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Linda Crispell said...

Wishing you all the comfort in the world right now. Thank you for sharing this very personal time with all of us. I have been thinking about you and your father this past week.
Your Pal,
Linda

Seth said...

So sorry Marsha. Take comfort in the fact that you were both together. Sending out thoughts and prayers to you abd your family.

vintagesusie said...

Sweet Marsha,
May you gather comfort from all of your friends, family & loved ones at this time. As so many of your friends have mentioned, I too have had a loved one pass away in my arms. Even with the immense sadness I felt, I also felt an amazing sense of blessing. As a woman, I have given life & loved more then I could have ever imagined possible & as a woman I have been witness to life ebbing, leaving this earthbound plain. I have held the complete circle of life in my arms & feel blessed for the priviledge. Your Daddy is wrapped in the wings of angels now & finally can 'fly'.
Peace & love my friend,
Hugs,
Susie

muckypup said...

Marsha, you are the second person this week that I know of who has lost their Dad. I can't pretend to know how you are feeling, but I am sure that you are keeping going more from adrenaline that anything else. Don't forget that you need to take time for you, and just because you are a grown up, doesn't mean that you have to be brave all the time. Thoughts are with you and yours. Sarah

Renee (nayski) said...

I've been thinking of you often this weekend and hoping you're hanging in there alright. I am so sorry for your loss.

Ocean Lotus said...

i'm so very sorry for you and your family, but so glad for you in a way that you were able to be there with him even when it was not really him...
take care, find some time to grieve, find solace when you can and think of the memories of him before his illnesses...that is what he would want you to remember...

bonjen3 said...

thinking of you

Patti said...

your post is inspiring and intense, so full of presence and grief... though I only know you through your beautiful art my heart goes out to you and your family. thanks for being brave enough to post your experience...

Anita Van Hal said...

Marsha...I'm so sorry you have to suffer this grief, but I'm thankful that your dear father's suffering is now over...time really is a great healer, so give yourself that time...your many friends continue to stand with you...although separated by miles, you're still in our hearts and prayers...thank you for sharing this experience with us...

Shelly said...

Marsha, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you lots and lots. Hugs. -Shelly

Janny said...

So sorry for your loss Marsha. Take care, big hug x

Lorraine @ creativedaily said...

I'm so sorry Marsha for your loss. So sad. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. Take care of yourself - your Dad is at rest now.

Veronica said...

Marsha my dear, I cried as I read that post. The ebb and flow of lives around us touch us in many kinds of ways, but none like when we have to say farewell to a parent. My thoughts are with you.

Viola said...

I am so sorry about your loss, Marsha. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Trudi Sissons said...

Heavy heavy sighs for loss and for that peace of mind you search for now. I am so grateful to your Dad for bringing you into the world and for you being a part of mine.

I know your courage and inner strength will guide you now as it has over the past several weeks, to a place of deep meaning and love.