First, I tried to post Wednesday, but it wouldn't let me sign in without a google account. The login page said blogspot had switched from yahoo to google. I was going to sign up for the google account tonight and finally get this done, but tonight I didn't need to. If anyone knows anything about that google account thing, I'd be curious to know.
Well, I have no words to say this eloquently but I was alone with my dad Wednesday morning when he drew his last breath. It had been a horrible couple of days prior to that and yet I still feel no relief, or very little. We brought dad home from the hospital last Thursday and we moved him into the spare room where I could sleep in the twin bed next to his hospital bed. The first couple of days went pretty well. In fact, dad had an unusually good day on Saturday, very clear, very talkative and comfortable. But when I went to bed and gave dad his night time pills Sunday night, I realized he was slipping out of his right mind into a world I could not see or hear. I did not sleep at all Sunday night nor did he. He was very active and delusional but somewhat gentle and dreamy about it until Monday morning. As Monday went on he became belligerent and never was able to sleep more than a few minutes. He would be frustrated when we couldn't hand him the things he saw that weren't really there. He begged me to take him home and couldn't believe that that is where he was. After nearly 20 hours of that, I asked Hospice if he could be sedated so that he could sleep. We began that process Monday night and continued to give him medicine for that every 90 minutes right up until he passed away. Monday night and Tuesday, his breathing continued to worsen and he developed the "rattle" that is often associated with one's last few days or hours. Throughout the early morning hours of Wednesday, I thought his breathing was weaker and his chest congestion worse. Still, I had no idea we were that close. I had been up with him from 2 a.m. Wednesday to 8:30 or so and took a break and went back in to be with him around 11 a.m. It was not long until his breathing just gradually slowed down and stopped and his heart stopped a few minutes later. I did not speak to him or touch him as I did not want to keep a hold of him in this world or disrupt the process. I just wanted him to slip away without interfering.
As soon as one can catch their breath a minute after such an incredible experience (incredible but not in the good sense) the next phase of this experience begins and immediately you are thrust into making arrangements and making phone calls and moving out medical equipment and supplies and getting ready for visitors and there just doesn't seem to be any rest yet. My family will be here tomorrow. Most of my dad's wife's family will be here by then too. Neva, dad's wife, and I made the funeral arrangements ourselves yesterday and I ordered all of the flowers. Food and visitors are showing up at the door throughout the day and final touches are always needing to be made for the visitation Sunday afternoon and the service on Monday morning.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your prayers and good wishes. They saw me through this. I will be here about another week to settle things before returning home.