But, paying better attention to things going on around me lately for some reason, I find myself reflecting and wondering how I could be better. A better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister, a better woman, a better artist, a better business owner, a better citizen, a better version of myself . . . a better human.
First step, self assessment. I have gotten lazy.
- I have allowed myself to be a victim far too often this last year. I have forgotten how to be a warrior.
- I have allowed myself to wallow. I have forgotten to be joyous and grateful and optimistic.
- I have allowed myself to focus on roadblocks instead of seeing the potential past them.
- I have pinned hopes on tiny little wasted dreams and forgotten to hope for the big crazy adventure.
- I care too much what others think of me and have too often disregarded my own sense of self worth.
- I have forgotten that there's a difference between allowing myself to be sucked into the spiral of negativity and drama of others and being compassionately concerned but true to my own values and beliefs.
I saw a therapist once that told me I can blame anyone I want for anything that happened in my past as recent as yesterday. It's pointless. It does nothing. Blame rarely makes things better. BLAME IS AN EXCUSE AND NOT A SOLUTION. I only have myself to blame for who I am today, my happiness and success as a human, and how I choose to live my life. Whatever it is that I think I need, whether it's love, respect, acceptance, money, friendship, acknowledgement, a job or a new pair of jeans or anything else, I need to find it, work for it, earn it, grow it, and create it myself. It is no one's responsibility but my own.
Third step, reteach myself to be me. There is a me down there somewhere, a little lost and off balance. I've been going in the wrong directions, focusing on the wrong things - maybe for a few years now. I've forgotten the me I used to be and want to be. I catch glimpses now and then. So, for me, the best way to chip away at all that has gotten in the way of "me" is to start with simple things:
- good sleep (but not TOO much sleep)
- exercise (especially walking my scaredy cat dog and training him at the same time I train me)
- getting out of the house and looking at the world around me
- alone time in my own space
- eating better (more fruits and veggies!)
- reading and researching
- little indulgences (like naps and playing games and mindless TV now and then)
- doing the chores that never get done (instead of waiting for someone else to do them)
- taking pictures (because things look different through the view finder)
- listening to music
- writing letters
- wearing make up now and then and remembering I used to be a girl
- finding clothes that fit
- kissing my husband and telling him all the lovely things I think about him everyday
- being harder on my kids (because people live up to expectations and not past them sometimes and I think I've gotten a little soft in what I expect)
- actually, along those lines, expecting more from everyone in my life including myself
- thinking positively and optimistically
- and a million other little things.