I'm not doing what I should be doing . . .

. . . again. What else is new? But I did get a couple of pieces done over the last few days.

I watermarked this first one so you can click on it and see it a bit larger. I usually link pictures so lurkers can't click and download a nice big copy.

The Lesson Remembered


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 3/15/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, download, print, or use this image in any way without my permission.

This is a large 8 x 10 collage that is not digital but but includes 23 hand cut pieces and the characters were hand colored from grayscale images. This piece uses a woman's face from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com and used with a commercial license. The man's face came from flickr's catnipstudio. The main bodies come from flickr's takeabreak and the shoes were scanned and altered from magazine and catalog pictures. The blue background is made of two textures from flickr's JoesSistah and used with commercial fees. The grass is from Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com and used with a commercial license. The wings and most other elements are from Christina at ChristinaReneeDesigns.com and used with a commercial license.

This one is kinda simple. I had saved pieces to participate in Art Creations Friday and left them undone so I combined them to use them up and finish a little ditty here.

I Heart Fish


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 3/15/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, download, print, or use this image in any way without my permission.

This is a small 5 x 7 collage using a face and upper body from the gals at Art Creations Friday blog. The fish is from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com and used with a commercial license as was the grass from Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com. The water and upper background are from flickr's rubyblossom and the boat is from siefert2.etsy.com. The wings are from AsunderEphemera.etsy.com and the hat is made from a 100 year old dictionary. The pants are from my own vintage picture and the shoes were scanned and altered from a catalog. The striped border is from Crowabout.etsy.com.

Mailing stuff tomorrow. I had a big Etsy week last week (28 pieces - I think - sold! woohoo!) and still have a few things left to mail. Then chore stuff to do. Hope to do lots of blog and flickr visiting this week as I got almost all caught up last week and don't want to get behind again.

Busy, busy, busy . . .

Well, it has been a busy last few days. Nothing incredibly exciting, just busy. I did get my Etsy reopened and new stuff listed today and that was something I've meant to do for days.

Thank you for all of your encouraging words about journaling! You all are so good to me and so kind. I haven't had a chance to work on it anymore but I'll keep giving it a try. Am thinking of actually taking another class soon.

The first group of pix I'll show you are from something new I've tried for a swap group I'm in. We had two different swaps for little tag books and 8 tags each for each of the two themes. We get to keep our books, send in our tags and get 8 tags back in each theme. Never made a book, never made a tag until this project, so it was great fun.

House Tag Book



House Tag Book (open to show a couple of pages)



House tags (the first one shows that the doors open to reveal a little surprise message or image - each one is different)







Bird with Hats Tag Book



Birds with Hats Tag Book (open to show a couple of pages)



Birds with Hats Tags




All tags and artwork here, copyright Marsha Jorgensen 3/2010. All rights reserved.
Image credits for tags: Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com, Studio Jen U and Studio Lorie at Scrapbookgraphics.com, siefert2.etsy.com, lisasalteredart.etsy.com, Christine Honsinger at Scrapartist.com, Sande Krieger at Two Peas in a Bucket, keeperofthenest.etsy.com, LandofEnchantment.etsy.com, indigochyld.etsy.com, crowabout.etsy.com, Lauren Bavin at digitalscrapbookplace.com, and DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com. All images were used with a commercial license when required.

Mail Call! Wow, how I've gotten good mail lately. The two skinnies are from another swap group I'm in. This first ATC and skinny is from Viola of Viola blog. Aren't they gorgeous? I have had them since I got home from my dad's but they have been sitting here on my desk to admire everyday. Finally got them scanned to share.



In the picture below . . . The skinny on the right is from the same group but this one was made by Marion of Bockel24. Again, just another gorgeous skinny to own. I particularly loved the words to this one and they continue on the back to say "but my mind holds the key I'm standing on a stage of fear and self doubt though the fear keeps me moving still my heart beats so slow" *sigh* Such lovely words and now a lovely image to savor from a lovely person.

The round inchies are from my first swap group (the one doing the tag books). These inchies are from (top to bottom) Mary aka PaperScraps (only have her flickr linked), Cathy Parmelee, Verna of Bird, Bee, and Bloom, Sharon of Livewire Jewelry, Michelle of Lost Coast Post , and my dear friend, Roc of What's Up Roc.



And there's more . . . This piece is from Karin of Karin Winter Arts blog. I had hosted a "Dreamers" swap that took place while I was gone and so this was waiting for me when I got home also. It is so textural and rich. I wish you could feel it with it's stitching and layers. I just adore it.



And lastly, also waiting for me were these. I will try and fight back tears to see to write this. You may remember reading about my friend Tina Wright who passed away from cancer in early January. Back in September, just before she found out about her cancer, she had asked if would do a swap with her. She would do the pendant making and soldering if I made a little collage for each of us. So I made two little collages and sent them off. I didn't know for sure that Tina ever had a chance to finish them, but she did. She had mine ready to mail and even had a thank you note written with another piece I wasn't expecting attached. Tina's daughter Nicole sent these onto me. I cannot tell you what it means to me to have not only our finished piece but her hand written notes and the extra piece she made just for me. I will treasure them always as I will the memory of her and her spectacular spirit.

What to do, what to do . . .

. . . when one is cut off from their computer that they spend more time with than anything else in the world, sad as it is. My hard drive in my one year old computer crashed a few days ago and expert computer whiz 18 year old son has me all fixed up with a new one and all of my work salvaged. All of that computer gaming that encouraged all of that computer building (like my generation's boys souped up their cars) has paid off.

While waiting for said new hard drive to arrive, I have done a bit of blog hopping, written a few thank you notes, gone bowling (of all things), spent some time with my very goodest friends (yeah, I know, not a word), cleaned house, did laundry and thought very hard about doing my taxes for several days and then actually did them.

More importantly (epic, actually, in my little life), I started an actual little journal since my computer and printer were not available. And little it is, a small mokeskin journal, 3 1/2 x 5 1/2 inches. My first journal since design class in college. But let me just say now, for the record, that I cannot currently journal. I lack the gene that allows oneself to journal. I think you have to be more expressive, more carefree, more impulsive, more gestural than I am. I am okay at collage, my little style of collage that is. Remember my background and training is in graphic design and typesetting. So very controlled, planned, neat and tidy lay-outs are my thing, my nature. This doesn't lend itself well to what is currently understood to be journaling. But I am taking baby steps to teach myself. I only allowed myself to use scraps so far - no printing stuff up to use. Must make what I already have in my scrap drawers work. And, I must hand write something every few pages.

pages 2 & 3 (I left these so you can click on them for a better view - I usually link pix back to my blog but thought I'd let it go this time - see? a little more carefree)



pages 4 & 5



Cover and inside cover aren't done yet. I'll post when they are and keep sharing this uncomfortable little experiment with you as it progresses.

Five new pieces . . .

I am on an art making marathon of sorts. Just can't get my muse to settle down the last few days. She is all over the place.

Jiggity Jig


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/28/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without my permission. Thank you.

This is a larger 8 x 10 collage using many elements from Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com: sky, hills, letters, birds, flowers, main house, and roof. These pieces were used with a commercial license. The door and window are from Studio Jen U and the inside of the window is from Studio Maya, both from Scrapbookgraphics.com and were also used with a commercial license. The scalloped and red and yellow borders are from Christine Honsinger (Fidlette) at ScrapArtist.com and were used with a commercial license. The end stripe pieces are from designer Lauren Bavin and the newsprint borders are from designer Nicole Young, both of DigitalScrapbookPlace.com. and were also used with a commercial license. The face is from LandofEnchantment.etsy.com. The hair, legs, and boots were scanned and altered from a magazine. The body is from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com and used with a commercial license. The crown is from keeperofthenest.etsy.com. The chimney pipe is from grannyart.blogspot.com. The wings are from AsunderEphemera.etsy.com. All pieces were reprinted and hand trimmed with scissors, edged with ink, and attached to the assembled background. The face, crown, legs, and body were hand colored black and white photos and the birds and flowers were also recolored by hand.


I'm Slow


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/28/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without my permission. Thank you.

This is a 5 x y collage using many elements from Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com: road, sky, bird, sign, and hills. These pieces were used with a commercial license. The car and trees are from clipart.com. The body is from Gaby Braun of gaby cajubrasil.blogspot.com. The face is from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com and was used with a commercial license. The wings are from AsunderEphemera.etsy.com. All pieces were reprinted and hand trimmed with scissors before attaching to the assembled background. The face and body were also hand colored from black and white reprinted pictures.

Commision piece. I was asked to do a piece for an artist friend (who is blogless and flickrless no less) back in early December, maybe late November and I kept putting her off until after Christmas and then I had to leave and you know the rest. Anyway, finally finished a piece for her today. Her long white hair was fun to work with but hard to do justice in a piece. Hope she likes this . . .

The Entrance (for Leslie)


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/28/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without my permission. Thank you.

This is a larger 8 x 10 collage using an outer frame and wallpaper from Studio Lorrie at Scrapbookgraphics.com by Lorrie Davison and the stone entrance is from Studio Jen U also from Scrapbookgraphics.com, both used with a commercial license. The floor is from flickr's 'Playingwithbrushes' and the blue inner doorway is from AsunderEphemera.etsy.com. The striped border at the top is from designer Lauren Bavin of Digital Scrapbook Place and used with a commercial license. The face is from a picture sent by the subject. The body is from lisasalteredart.etsy.com and the legs are Itkupilli.etsy.com. The crown is from clipart.com. The wings and tulips are from Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com and were used with a commercial license. All pieces were reprinted and hand trimmed with scissors and attached to the assembled background. The body, face, and legs were hand colored and all pieces were edged with ink.

More skinnies made. I really wish mats and frames came in skinny size. I find I really love working in this size. May have to figure out a way to make that happen so I can sell work at this size. I like to sell work ready to hang without the need for custom mats or frames which add to the expense of buying art. There's a business for someone that likes to cut mats and frames.

Haute Fish


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/24/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, downloade, or use this image in any way without my permission.

This is a skinny 4 x 8 mixed media collage using a face, fish, and words from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com (with commercial license), body from FrenchKissed.etsy.com, boots from clipart.com, floor from flickr's 'Playingwithbrushes', blue background, wings, and top inner border pieces from AsunderEpehmera.etsy.com, bottom inner border pieces from LandofEnchantment.etsy.com, and newsprint border from designer Nicole Young from DigitalScrapbookPlace (with commercial license). All pieces were reprinted, hand trimmed with scissors and hand colored with ink and pastel and assembled with adhesive.

Fish Dream


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/23/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without permission.

This is a skinny 4 x 8 collage using a face and fish from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com and used with a commercial license, a body from CalicoCollage.etsy.com, wings from AsunderEphemera.etsy.com, crown from keeperofthenest.etsy.com, floor from flickr's 'Playingwithbrushes', top scalloped border from designer Lauren Bavin of DigitalScrapbookPlace.com and used with a commercial license and bottom scalloped border from designer Sande Krieger of Two Peas in a Bucket, also used with a commercial license. The black and white border comes from Crowabout.etsy.com and the boots were scanned from a magazine picture. The the green tickets and "fish" come from my own vintage ephemera, "dream big" is from lisasalteredart.etsy.com and "2" is from sherriejd.etsy.com. All pieces were reprinted on paper, hand trimmed with scissors, hand colored with ink and pastel, and attached to the assembled background with adhesive.

Many Thank You's Long Overdue . . . I have a pile of cards and artwork on my desk just waiting for me to absorb and some even waiting to be opened. I haven't had the heart. I know many of them are sympathy cards and I know they will bring tears cuz they just do. I will open them, I promise. Just taking things at my slow pace. I do want you to know how much I appreciate them and I will get around to posting the lovely handmade things that have been sent (I can tell by the envelopes, like shaking Christmas presents).

I did open a box that arrived just before I left to take care of my dad. I almost forgot about it as it had been tucked away but I'm glad I remembered. What a box full of lovely surprises my friend Carrie of Pinkadoo blog sent me! I don't know what I did to deserve such a beautiful care package packed with so many scrumptious art pieces, but I'm glad I did it, whatever it was. Here's a peek . . .





My Etsy isn't open yet. I'm still going to take a few days to not have any "have to's" other than regular everyday household "have to's" (like doing the taxes this week - yuk). I will probably reopen toward the end of the week or early next week.

Skinnies, old contest winners, and image sources

I don't trade work often and belong to two groups that trade now and then. I am terribly behind in both. But, I did attempt to get two skinnies done for one group. All went fine until the second piece when I discovered it was almost 2 inches too long and, of course, discovered it after I finished! I knew the measurements, I just got carried away as I was working. So, this first one is an odd sized piece that I will have to figure out something else to do with.

Gonna Fly Now


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/23/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without my permission.

This is a 4 x 9 3/4 mixed media collage using a face from FrenchKissed.etsy.com, a body from lisasalteredart.etsy.com, legs from keeperofthenest.etsy.com, wings and main background pieces from AsunderEphemera.etsy.com, shoes from phenomenon1859.etsy.com, carpet from flickr's 'Playingwithbrushes', and numbers and crown from clipart.com. The following pieces were used with commercial licenses: luggage and boxes stacked from designer Lorrie Davison of Studio Lorrie of Scrapbookgraphics.com, permit ticket from DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com, red and white awning from designer Lauren Bavin of DigitalScrapbookPlace.com, and card border from designer Sande Krieger of Two Peas in a Bucket. All pieces were reprinted, hand trimmed with scissors, and hand colored with ink and pastel and attached to the background with adhesive.

Fish Frolic


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/21/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without my permission.

This is a 4 x 8 skinny collage using legs from Itkupilli.etsy.com, a face, inner border, and frolic word from lisasalteredart.etsy.com, wings and inner colored border pieces from siefert2.etsy.com, floor from designer Lauren Bavin from Digital Scrapbook Place and used with a commercial license, outer black and white border from Crowabout.etsy.com, and body and fish from keeperofthenest.etsy.com. All pieces were reprinted, hand trimmed with scissors, and recolored or colored by hand with ink and pastel and attached to the assembled background.

Winners, come back! Well, in all of the fuss of the last few weeks and the holidays before that I have near lost my mind along the way. I had a drawing back in October and had 6 winners drawn to win art from me sometime in the next year. Here was the list of winners . . .

Theresa in MS
Jill of Third Age Musings
Janny of Tricolore
Elizabeth of The Last Door Down the Hall
Shannon of SaturdayVille
Michelle of Lost Coast Post

(and you can click here to see the old post http://tumblefishstudio.blogspot.com/2009/10/halloween-winners-and-more.html)

I know I mailed a piece to Shannon, but beyond that I don't think I've mailed any. I need to know your addresses and if I mailed something and forgot. Aye, aye, aye. Sorry about that. Feel a need to get things wrapped up before I start working full steam again. Thank you!

Image Shopping! I have found some great new image sources to add to my long list of favorites. I indulged and bought myself a lot of new images in the last few days to kinda jumpstart my work again. I really do have a long list of favorites and you can see where I get all of my images in a credits note below each piece I post. But, I wanna give a shout out to just a couple of the new places I found that not only had great images but great customer service as well . . .

FrenchKissed.etsy.com (stunning single scans, well worth the money!)
DigitalCollageSheets.etsy.com (I purchased a commercial license here as well - look for her TOU, tons of images on multiple sites, the license well worth the money as I can tell I will be using a lot from this seller)
CalicoCollage.etsy.com (beautiful sheets, especially loved the burlesque sheets)

Also revisited some of my all time favorite sellers
lisasalteredart.etsy.com (she has some new kits that are truly packed with gorgeousness!)
AsunderEphemera.etsy.com (one of my favorite grungy background sources)

Little Immensities

copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 2/18/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, download, print, or use this image in any way without my permission.

This is an 8 x 10 collage using a face from flickr's Very Good with Computers, a main body from lisasalteredart.etsy.com, legs from my own vintage postcard, wings from greatmusings.com, shoes scanned and altered from a magazine, hair and headpiece from a found vintage picture in the public domain, and an elephant from the Library of Congress. The background is from flickr's 'Playingwithbrushes', the ruler is from flickr's Ha! Designs - ArtbyHeather, the top scalloped piece is from designer Sande Krieger of Two Peas in a Bucket, and the black and white border is from Crowabout.etsy.com. All pieces were reprinted, hand cut with scissors, and hand colored with ink and pastel.

I have a plan, sort of

Well, I started looking at art and blogs a bit tonight. Have some ideas floating around in my noggin' and have some swaps I had already committed to before my ordeal. I actually even started laying out a background tonight. The next few days require a little more rest and odds and ends to be attended to, but next week, you should see some art here and my swaps will get finished. Tomorrow, I'm going to get myself a new pair of sneakers because that always makes me happy, a hair cut (long overdue), and go to my daughter's play off game. I'm visiting some friends this weekend and the first part of next week I need to answer messages and emails and mail out a few letters to let some of my dad's long time, long distance friends know what has happened. I have a plan . . . life is coming back to me.

I'm home

I got home Sunday afternoon. I need a few more days to get reacquainted with routine but I am working in that direction. Thank you for all of your support and good wishes. I am doing much better, just tired and need to find my footing again. Love you all and I'll be back at work soon!

Moving toward normalcy . . .

Neva, my dad's wife, has been so gracious to let us clean out dad's stuff now so we don't have to make another trip back soon. So that's what we've been doing. Have everything just about taken care of - few more loose ends to tie up. My brother is taking the boat and everything else we want to keep (pictures, etc.). He drove so I could fly home. The estate is near settled and that is amazing to me. I thought it would take months. Anyway, I have felt somewhat normal despite what we've been doing. We've had lots of giggles through the tears. Most of the family has left now except for my brother and our spouses. My brother will leave Friday. We're flying home Sunday afternoon and I cannot wait to get back to my version of everyday life.

Thank you all for your kind comments and all of your prayers and wishes. I used them all very well, I promise. You have meant so much to me.

Further along . . . .

Yesterday was the family and then the public visitation for dad. It was very difficult. Today was the funeral at the church followed by the graveside service. It too was incredibly hard and I couldn't control my sobs. I am usually very composed but not today. Man, it was so hard. I buried myself into Kent's shoulder and so appreciated his strength today.

It was snowing a big heavy beautiful snow this morning and it was such a peaceful quiet poignant atmosphere. Whenever I have seen someone in an open casket service I am somewhat comforted by how empty they look. Dad looked empty and I realized he was not there, that we just form an attachment to someone's body and face and the way the spirit animates it as the preacher spoke about today. But the body is just a shell that is cast away when the spirit soars to the next life and it helped to see with my own eyes that that is true. He has left us and I am sad and joyful about that at the same time. As we were leaving the graveside this morning a formation of geese flew over and that was very meaningful - my dad spent his career protecting and researching the migration of geese and ducks and many places we have lived were habitats for Canada geese like the ones that flew by today. It made us smile and know that it was a special wink from dad.

Dad passed away

First, I tried to post Wednesday, but it wouldn't let me sign in without a google account. The login page said blogspot had switched from yahoo to google. I was going to sign up for the google account tonight and finally get this done, but tonight I didn't need to. If anyone knows anything about that google account thing, I'd be curious to know.

Well, I have no words to say this eloquently but I was alone with my dad Wednesday morning when he drew his last breath. It had been a horrible couple of days prior to that and yet I still feel no relief, or very little. We brought dad home from the hospital last Thursday and we moved him into the spare room where I could sleep in the twin bed next to his hospital bed. The first couple of days went pretty well. In fact, dad had an unusually good day on Saturday, very clear, very talkative and comfortable. But when I went to bed and gave dad his night time pills Sunday night, I realized he was slipping out of his right mind into a world I could not see or hear. I did not sleep at all Sunday night nor did he. He was very active and delusional but somewhat gentle and dreamy about it until Monday morning. As Monday went on he became belligerent and never was able to sleep more than a few minutes. He would be frustrated when we couldn't hand him the things he saw that weren't really there. He begged me to take him home and couldn't believe that that is where he was. After nearly 20 hours of that, I asked Hospice if he could be sedated so that he could sleep. We began that process Monday night and continued to give him medicine for that every 90 minutes right up until he passed away. Monday night and Tuesday, his breathing continued to worsen and he developed the "rattle" that is often associated with one's last few days or hours. Throughout the early morning hours of Wednesday, I thought his breathing was weaker and his chest congestion worse. Still, I had no idea we were that close. I had been up with him from 2 a.m. Wednesday to 8:30 or so and took a break and went back in to be with him around 11 a.m. It was not long until his breathing just gradually slowed down and stopped and his heart stopped a few minutes later. I did not speak to him or touch him as I did not want to keep a hold of him in this world or disrupt the process. I just wanted him to slip away without interfering.

As soon as one can catch their breath a minute after such an incredible experience (incredible but not in the good sense) the next phase of this experience begins and immediately you are thrust into making arrangements and making phone calls and moving out medical equipment and supplies and getting ready for visitors and there just doesn't seem to be any rest yet. My family will be here tomorrow. Most of my dad's wife's family will be here by then too. Neva, dad's wife, and I made the funeral arrangements ourselves yesterday and I ordered all of the flowers. Food and visitors are showing up at the door throughout the day and final touches are always needing to be made for the visitation Sunday afternoon and the service on Monday morning.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your prayers and good wishes. They saw me through this. I will be here about another week to settle things before returning home.

And harder still . . .

Starting last night around 10 my dad seemed to slip into a world all of his own. I have not slept since yesterday afternoon when I took a nap near him. He is no longer in his right mind and is belligerent and very difficult and saying mean things. He tries to get out of bed and obviously we don't want that. He hasn't been on his feet in nearly 3 weeks. As I write this, two nurses are trying to bathe him and change sheets and he is being so mean to them. They are trying an anti-psychotic med today to see if it will help - we'll know later today. If it doesn't, we may try one other thing and then we are going to insist on sedation if that doesn't work. Sedation is usually a last resort as some people believe it speeds up the process of dying but he is suffering beyond any possible pain he could have. He can't seem to fall asleep (he hasn't slept more than 20 minutes or so in the last 14 hours) and has lost touch with our world. I am asking everyone to pray that this is all over soon. Enough is enough. I thank you for your love and prayers and support.

Such a hard thing

I am still here. It feels like I have been gone forever though. I don't even know what to write. Everything is so up and down and upside down sometimes and so heavy and intense and just consumes every fiber of your body and mind - I know many of you know what I mean. We came home from the hospital Thursday. We had two very good days, yesterday and the day before, but lost ground last night. It was a long night of confusion and hallucinations again. No one here now but my dad's wife, a 24 hour nurse aid, and me. Kent was here from Thursday to this morning but needed to get back to work and the kids. He helped immensely as I had hit my wall after about 3 straight days and nights I stayed with my dad in the hospital before we came home - very little sleep or nerves left. Hospice is coming today for an extra visit to assess and see if there is something that can help the hallucinations and restlessness - he hardly took any pain meds yesterday and hadn't had hallucinations since last Tuesday when he was taking alot more pain medicine in the days between. I fear yesterday's activities may have been that surge of energy that often comes a few days before the end, but then I also fear it wasn't. It is hard to know what to wish for anymore. Yesterday, everyone had good talks with dad about all kinds of things, trivial and not, emotional and not. He even asked for some ham salad to be made and ate a bit of that - very comfortable day, very fresh and clear. And then about 9 last night he started having confusing weird hallucinations. At one point in the night my dad wanted me to check on everyone else in the house because people from another country had been here and had taken all of our money and groceries - that kind of weird and numerous episodes through the night.

So, I am sorry my blog has taken such a turn away from art and happy things, but I guess it is part of my journey. I will try to be better about posting now that we're home. Hope some of you from some of the groups I belong to can update the message boards for me. I just can't seem to hit a stride that allows me to focus on anything but dad for more than a few minutes here and there. love you all and miss you so much.

Update and quick hello

Hi everyone. I've been in Missouri 2 weeks and it seems like 2 months. What a roller coaster. What a time warp and intense experience. When I got here my dad was obviously in pain, very thin, no appetite and somewhat shell shocked with finding out about the cancer but otherwise okay. That was 2 weeks ago yesterday. By the next Thursday, he was sleeping almost constantly, in much more pain and quickly became dehydrated shutting down his kidneys causing confusion and hallucinations. He was brought to the hospital by ambulance a week ago tomorrow and it has been a long week. I took turns with my brother staying with dad in 12 hour shifts as he still needed assistance and reassurance as the confusion lifted. As his mental state and kidneys started getting better other problems arose. His kidneys worked but not his urinary tract so a catheter was put in. His bowels became impacted and that caused some painful procedures. His heart started having ventricular tachycardia because of an electrolyte imbalance, possibly, could be that his heart is starting to have more problems. Anyway, after scans we found out Friday that his back was broken in two places and was probably the cause of the worst of his pain. Tomorrow he is having a quick procedure that inflates the two broken vertebra and will hopefully take care of much of the pain but we won't know til we try. His official prognosis is 3 months but if he slips back into dehydration or any other complications, of course, this could be over at any time. The cancer started in the gall bladder and we know it is in the liver and lymph nodes but that is all. Despite appetite stimulants, his appetite is not returning nor his desire for fluids so it is just hard to say what will happen. My brother left today so most is up to me now but Neva, dad's wife, does her best to help. This is going to be a long haul. It will be good to get out of the hospital and home to their house - that will help me in some ways, make it harder in others. Hospice will start immediately and we have a call into my dad's long term health care insurance to see what other ways we can get help. At least when we are home sleeping, eating, being all in once place will help. I have a hard time focusing on anything other than this situation so forgive my absence and "bain" damage (roc). I love you all and miss you so much. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Just a quick update . . .

Being with someone dying is so complicated on so many levels. There are so many dynamics with all the people involved. On top of that I am hormonal I think - not a good mixture.

Doctor and Hospice both came today. Monday we are going for a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread there and that is what ...is causing the worst pain that they haven't been able to manage yet. If it shows up then they will do heavy duty radiation to eliminate pain but it will not help his prognosis. In fact, in this situation, it is a way heavier dose of radiation than would ever be used to treat cancer. We kind of almost hope that is what happens so that the pain might get better. After that process is through, Hospice will start immediately.

In the discussion my brother had with the doc away from my dad we found out that the next two weeks will reveal a lot. They might be able to improve his condition a bit, not the overall prognosis but his comfort for many weeks. If they are not able to improve things in the next two weeks, even with the radiation, then the doc said the end would come fairly quickly within a couple of weeks maybe. Next to pain, his complete loss of appetite, growing inabiltiy to take solid food and severe weight loss will have a lot to do with the outcome along with his weak heart. So there are still lots of unknowns. I can say that there has been a rather large decline since I've been here and even Kent sees a decline since he got here Thursday. His eyes look different, he is sleeping way way more the last two days, his speech has slowed down a bit, he is happy in the bedroom away from the activity, hasn't had anything solid since Thursday morning, kind of talks about things sometimes that have nothing to do with what we were just talking about (like for some reason today he explained his very weird dream last night in great detail to his doctor while we were trying to talk about medications for indigestion) Kent goes home tomorrow. My brother will be here another week. Monday is going to be a long trying day trying to get dad to the hospital and back, so pray for good things.

Update from Missouri

Thank you all so very much for all of your kind wishes, good thoughts, and prayers. I can feel them and I know they are helping. Please keep 'em coming.

The flight here did not do me in at least, and I got here just fine. It was a shock to see how tiny my dad has become and see him so sick so suddenly. Everyone here that sees him regularly tells me this came so fast and so hard. Hearing that makes it hard to imagine that he will linger a year as the prognosis seems to foretell. His doctor came to the house last night and said that the prognosis is a year but given my dad's heart troubles and not knowing where all the cancer has reached, it really can be any time. My dad is very very thin and can only lay on his left side to get any comfort and is still in pain then. He isn't all that weak yet, but can't sit up long enough to eat and doesn't want to eat anyway. We are giving him ensure as often as he will take it and trying to force small amounts of food but we don't get very far with that. He has a complication that is going to make this tough in that he can't have too strong a pain med or it makes his blood pressure drop too low. So he's kind of in a pickle there and I think that may make the end come sooner than later. He is going in for a bone scan Monday to see if the cancer has spread to his back bones where they can hit it with radiation to relieve the pain, but there will be no change in his prognosis.

Gall bladder cancer is very uncommon and very hard to find. It doesn't form a mass or tumor that is easily seen by any kind of medical imaging. And, usually, once it's found it's too late to treat well. But, it definitely started in the gall bladder and has likely spread to other areas like his back bones and there is some indications that it might be just now starting to affect his kidneys and pancreas, based on lab results from bloodwork. They are not going to do any other looking as it wouldn't change anything anyway.

Okay, so that's all the clinical reality side of this - still lots of unknowns. I am fine. I only break down a bit when people tell me mushy stuff and then the love and emotions kind of overwhelms my emotions a bit. But, I feel strangely matter of fact about this right now. Maybe I cried so much before I came that I have some room in my head to deal with it. The hardest part right now is having to be away from my family and not having my own support group here in person. I think that kind of makes me be tough until someone tells me something mushy and then I go to my soft side. My mom died many years ago so I have no family or personal friends here other than my dad's wife who he married about 4 years ago. She's wonderful but needs some TLC herself so I am kinda taking care of both. We will be calling in hospice in the next few days, maybe while my brother is here. My husband Kent is coming Thursday to Sunday just to see my dad and talk to the doctor and do a couple of chores around the house with my brother. My brother will be here a week and then won't be able to come much after that because of work. I think he only has 3 weeks of leave so we need to use it only when we absolutely need to.

So that's the story. I'm hoping in the next few days we'll all kind of settle into this and get my dad a little better taken care of or leveled off and then I might try to do some blog visiting and maybe even some collage sheet work if Kent can bring me my wacom tablet and get photoshop installed on my laptop this weekend.

Very bad news

Well, this may be the hardest post I've had to write. In the midst of all the other bad things going on (as in the previous post) I found out today that my dad has terminal cancer. I am getting things together to fly there on Sunday and I bought a one way ticket. I'm not sure how long I will be there or what is about to happen or how and it will surely be the toughest trip I've ever made. Not only am I so deeply sad beyond words about my dad, but leaving my family in the midst of the crisis here with my brother-in-law and our friends' parents, it's just very very tough from all sides.

I expect to be with my dad for many weeks so I'm not sure what will happen to my art life but I will resume it down the road when the time is right. A little silver lining is that I will have plenty of time to finally get caught up on everyone else's blogs and work and I look forward to that. Of all the times I've asked for prayers, this is the time I have needed them most for myself, for strength and wisdom, and for all those in my family and friends' families that are suffering and in need of strength as well.

Life updates

Thank you all for all of the good wishes, sweet words and prayers. Please keep praying for Tina's family. I have sent about 25 prints of Walk Ahead (in the post below), and the original, to her family and very close friends. I've had so many requests for it from so many people, I put it in my Etsy for a short time to help cover the postage and packaging. You only pay for materials and shipping.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. I feel like I always have some drama to share and I feel like overall I am the happiest most un-dramatic person you'll find in reality. But when one sums up one's existence on a blog, the bad news sticks out like a sore thumb and overtakes the joys and happy things sometimes. So, I am not being much of a happy carefreee artist this week but a person with a few curve balls thrown at her.

Spent yesterday in the ER with my daughter, again. She had the swine flu in the fall but this time had a good ol' stomach/intestinal flu and got dehydrated. So, we had to go get her tanks filled up and she is starting to perk up this morning.

My dad is doing much better and feels like he is on his way to finally getting better. That's great news and a big relief to me. But, I have other bad news. Kent's (my husband) brother is in intensive care after it appears the same flu my daughter and nephew had, caused some bleeding in his stomach and intestines. He had a seizure and was taken to the hospital when they discovered the bleeding and that he had some very serious liver problems after many years of injuries, medical and other issues have overtaxed his liver. He has had a broken back and other back problems over the years and then a very badly broken leg that he nearly lost, along with his life, due to staff infection and he is in pain daily due to those injuries. He has had lots of pain meds, even just over the counter, go through that liver over the years and they have taken their toll. We are waiting to find out how bad things are but he has been sedated since Tuesday night and is currently on a ventilator though he is breathing on his own. They expect that to come out today when they feel like they have good control over all the issues going on. Test results will let us know how bad the liver is in the next day or two.

On top of that, the mothers of two of my closest friends have been in the hospital too. One had a spinal stroke Christmas night and is now in a rehabilitation center getting therapy to help her legs work again. The other has been fighting cancer many years and is in the hospital to manage pain and get some heavy duty treatment.

Here I am again, asking for prayers. Please pray for the healing of these people and that their families can overcome the challenges they face and know they have the strength of an army of angels behind them. And selfishly, I ask that you pray that 2010 gets a little better soon.

Tina passed away last night. Please continue to hold her loved ones in your thoughts and prayers.

There is no picture

that can show what a broken heart feels like. There are no words that adequately describe it. I just got word tonight that Tina Wright is losing her battle with cancer and slipping away. Many of you may know her as CollageMojo on flickr or from her blog {glue on my fingers, paint in my hair}. Tina was the first person to leave me a testimonial on my flickr and it meant so much to me then and means so much to me now. She was always available to give me a good quick kick in the pants if I started feeling blah about my work, or life in general for that matter. She wore big girl underpants and was so great at showing the rest of us how to put them on.

She and I were actually working on a little swap project together just as she got the news she had cancer. After a few weeks of adjusting to things, she posted a bit about our project together (here) and there was no way I would have thought anything but that she would kick this cancer thing out to the curb.

But she is part of another masterpiece, bigger than anything we could create here on earth and it appears she is being called to work on that now. Along with a few other thousand people, including her devoted husband and family and other artist friends, I am devastated. My life will not be the same without her here but it never would have been the same without her touching me as she did. That's how people go on after they leave this world, they live on in the ways they changed those around them. She will always be in my heart as a friend and sistah in life, and a little bit of her support and encouragement and spirit that she shared with me will always be in my art.

Added later in the evening . . . I couldn't sleep tonight. I made this. It reads "The strength we have found in our sisters on this journey, remains with us even when we must walk ahead on our own."

Walk Ahead (thinking of Tina)


copyright by Marsha Jorgensen 1/1/10. All rights reserved. You may not copy, print, download, or use this image in any way without my permission.
This is an 8 x 10 collage using a main image from flickr's picassowoman (hand cut and colored with inks and pastel), wings and road from Holliewood Studios at Oscraps.com, a crown from keeperofthenest.etsy.com, and a background from Studio Lorrie at Scrapbookgraphics.com. The group pictures are all from the Library of Congress and the outside border pieces are from Gaby Braun of gaby-cajubrasil.blogspot.com.

Thanks, Becky, for keeping me posted. Hugs to you dear friend. And thinking of you Cindy. I know you both are hurting.